Haven't been blogging.

I probably should be though.
I'm going nuts. Crazy.
Loosing my mind..
I don't wanna blog, because I don't know how to describe all this pain I'm feeling.
I don't wanna draw, watch tv, surf the net or go outside.
Everything reminds me of Jason.
Everything.
I wonder if he thinks of me? Last I heard he hates me.
The guy who once loved me more then himself, hates my guts.
So I get in a state of mind, where I should hate myself to.
I tell myself I don't.
But you can't fight the inside.
Can't fight, yourself.
I look in the mirror, and think I don't deserve to have him. Or to even be here.
I look and hate myself, I hate, who I see.
I'm blogging, because I have no one to talk to...
I won't talk to no one...

This isn't Brandon.
I feel as if, Brandon is gone.
Happy, reach for the stars Brandon.
I feel like a lost soul inside a body, where no one want's me.
They wan't him. Brandon.
I feel as if Brandon isn't my name.
I don't deserve that name.
I deserve nothing...
But hate.

I miss him. NO, I need him.
Why did I stop cutting? Well, soon as I started Jason, why would I cut?
From there, things went up hill.
From there, I looked down on cutting.

Now I feel as if I have no reason not to cut.
But who would care?
Who would I even care about that cared?
The only reason i don't cut, is Jason...
I refuse to come across weak.
To anyone.

No medicine, or institute can fill this void.
Mellow the pain.
Kill the thoughts.
Make me sleep well at night.
I find myself lying non-stop to people, saying I'm okay.
Okay? I don't even know that word anymore.
I don't remember being okay...
Life sucked up till Jason.
Now he's gone?
I can't 'move on'...
My first love...
I have to move on?...
I can't believe he's doing this to me...
Or I did this to me...
Or this is happening...

Why am I still here?
I thought this was over by now.....

I hate myself.

I'm sitting here shaking, and making typos...

I can't picture no one but him holding me...
I try, I've 'gotten out there'...
I just couldn't find Jason...

I can't even find it in my strength to talk to him...
I can't handle another put down from him...
I can't. 


I'm alone so much... And think of all the things I ruined.
I feel as if I should be punished... Maybe this is the punishment?
Life without the one I love...

I cry every single night.


When I have friends with me, I wait for them to sleep...
Besides that, I'm hitting a pillow and draining my eyes every night...

I don't know what else to say...
I hate myself.
Bye.