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Catching up with an old friend,I was checking some of his albums, he graduated and lives with his boyfriend now.
They look so happy. I never 'liked' either of them, but I was jealous.
They looked, so, happy.
They took dozens of loving photographs, went on trips, lived together, had pet names, did the "Oh I look like crap, but he looks adorable<3" thing.
Isn't that, in one way, or another, all what we want.
I mean I described 21st century love right there.
I'm 15 now, if he kinda has my dream. I want to be living with the one I love by 18, weird wish? nah.
So I can either put it as:

I only have 3 years to find true love!
Or...
I have 3, whole, years, to find someone I love.

Love come's least expected, right?
Right when you don't really need it.

9-4-11

So, I feel like I'm over it. Six months, and I'm to the point, where he is no longer on my mind through every moment.
Three day's later (last night) 'so and so' told me he liked guys, and me...
Tahahahaaaa! It's like it's all working out?
Apparently there's something about me he can't explain >.> either awkward, or cute.

Hope it works?
As for now, I am sick; cracking down on school.
My voice has been cracking and hurts. No singing/song writing.

Also, I want to learn keyboard.

Uhm... yeah!
Bai!

Lesson I missed?

I was throwing myself the usual pity party, “I didn’t do anything wrong” “I learned every lesson I could from this” and I realized… I haven’t learned every lesson. It punched me in the face.

I have not yet learned how to get over someone. Jason.

I feel as if I was given someone who had everything I was looking for, and had them taken away.

Maybe it was meant to happen.

I don’t bother with religion or universe stuff or extra forces. But maybe this was meant to be.

For me to learn how to get over. For me to learn every, possible lesson.

There is this guy… maybe he’s not an artist, maybe he’s not rich, maybe he doesn’t have an amazing past living in Nevada. Hell, Jason was allot of things he wasn’t.

But already… I can see he cares more for me then Jason ever did…

I feel as if I had to learn this lesson, in order to learn that not every guy is going to have everything I ever wanted.

That makes them different, right?

I feel as if Jason wasn’t even real.

He was just a drug and I was the patient the doctors tested him with…

Now he’s gone and off the market.

I need to move on.

Not to a drug. To someone who, will love me.

I want to be happy.

I have to try.

Brann

Hey,

Hey,

       Powers out, I’m sitting in my room, Crying.

The usual night time sob story I have.

Tonight’s different… not due to the fact, that it’s a day away from September, me and Jason’s month… But I found Jason’s old Deviant Art account from when we would chat on their… He had a few pics of him and yeah… I held up though… Until I saw a drawing he had of me titled ‘that boy’… Oh but one thing he drew me, me in a bear costume and gave it to me on our 1’st month anniversary, he kept it there… He even mentioned me as his boyfriend in the description… Old description but still… Made me smile, then break down crying, shaking, talking to myself for hours…

I made a video blog crying, but it was dark…

Powers out due to Irene, the hurricane… But I still manage to stay up all night crying.

He has a mental grip on me, so tight I can’t breathe. When I believe I’m free from him, I find myself thinking of him. I compare every guy I meet to him.

Him.

I find myself crying because of him.

Him.

Sitting here with a lantern and my laptop, tear stained keyboard… etc…

I truly want to message him, I do. But I don’t know what I’d do if it was something hurtful… I love him so, damn, much.

I’d do anything, for one more chance. I’d never screw up again…

Still crying and typing… Shaking… etc…

The last ‘nice’ thing he told me… [via text]

“Don’t do anything stupid. (ex: cut yourself commit suicide)”

I just want… him…

I just want my life back. My nights back.

And goddamnit, some of my fucking tears back…

“Fucking” He use to yell at me for saying that… Gosh I miss him.

8/28/2011

Brandon R. Wagner

Hurtful or not… It’s worth it.

Parts.

Once upon a time

There were two

parts.

part a and part b ...

part B was spying on part a

since the beginning

of the school year.

part a was slowly falling

for part B...

Soon enough...

Friends of part a and part B

got the two parts

together...

6 months pass...

Happy months...

part B decides he needs

to make sure he

can handle being

alone...

part B breaks it off with

part a...

Three days later part a

is with someone

else...

part B is heartbroken...

It’s part B’s own fault...

6 more months

pass...

part B is alone...

part B cries every night.

part a hates part B.

part B loves part a.

part B is afraid of part a...

part B is afraid of himself.

part a, hates, part B...

So does part B.

hey part a...

Come back to part B...

Inside my chest.

Every thought and every word

Brings me here, and I go backwards.

I have lost my, self.

Now you’re gone, I’m lost and baby I need you back

Don’t you understand?

Have mercy for ex

And ex marks the spot,

That I, stab.

And ex marks the spot.

My heart holds, in beating clutches tight…

I lost control, can’t stay up every night.

And there I go, losing words that I held dearly…

I lost control, oh I can barely see, the wall in front of me.

Brick wall, in front, of, me…

I’m going to crash, on this coffee break

Going to fast, but that’s oh, that’s okay.

If died today.

That’s okay,

I’m already dead anyway…

My heart holds, in beating clutches tight…

I lost control, can’t stay up every night.

And there I go, losing words that I held dearly…

I lost control, oh I can barely see, the wall in front of me.

Brick wall, in front, of, me…

And ex marks the spot,

You stabbed me, so much,

My heart bleeds allot inside, my, chest.

Inside, my, chest.

Desperate.

“Desperate” by Brandon R. Wagner 8/29/11

I’ve done some desperate shit, hope you don’t mind it

Lost and losing it, but I’m behind this

I can only hope, you see my, ways.

Back to running track, jump and fall

Land right on my back

And I stall myself.

If I could re-begin, just start over

I know, that I would win, a gold or silver, cup

But fuck my luck, on this…

I’ve done some desperate shit, and if you mind it

Take it right on back, to where you found it

Stay and so-so cold, dyeing young like me.

Whoa oh is me.

If I told you ‘hate’ you,

Just in reply to what you’d say,

 Oh I, swear

On my life,

I know I could make, this all right

Once more

Open up the drawer, and grab your things.

Please don’t let me go, oh I’ll do anything.

I’ve done some desperate shit, hope you don’t mind it

Lost and losing it, but I’m behind this

I can only hope, you see my, ways.

Seems I’ve fallen in a pit, just can’t get up now

Need your help on this, and I wonder how

I could have dug myself, so, deep.

Maybe I just need to sleep,

Forever, forever…

I’ve done some desperate shit, and if you mind it

Take it right on back, to where you found it

Stay and so-so cold, dyeing young like me.

Whoa oh is me.

Whoa oh, is… me.