Hey,

Hey,

       Powers out, I’m sitting in my room, Crying.

The usual night time sob story I have.

Tonight’s different… not due to the fact, that it’s a day away from September, me and Jason’s month… But I found Jason’s old Deviant Art account from when we would chat on their… He had a few pics of him and yeah… I held up though… Until I saw a drawing he had of me titled ‘that boy’… Oh but one thing he drew me, me in a bear costume and gave it to me on our 1’st month anniversary, he kept it there… He even mentioned me as his boyfriend in the description… Old description but still… Made me smile, then break down crying, shaking, talking to myself for hours…

I made a video blog crying, but it was dark…

Powers out due to Irene, the hurricane… But I still manage to stay up all night crying.

He has a mental grip on me, so tight I can’t breathe. When I believe I’m free from him, I find myself thinking of him. I compare every guy I meet to him.

Him.

I find myself crying because of him.

Him.

Sitting here with a lantern and my laptop, tear stained keyboard… etc…

I truly want to message him, I do. But I don’t know what I’d do if it was something hurtful… I love him so, damn, much.

I’d do anything, for one more chance. I’d never screw up again…

Still crying and typing… Shaking… etc…

The last ‘nice’ thing he told me… [via text]

“Don’t do anything stupid. (ex: cut yourself commit suicide)”

I just want… him…

I just want my life back. My nights back.

And goddamnit, some of my fucking tears back…

“Fucking” He use to yell at me for saying that… Gosh I miss him.

8/28/2011

Brandon R. Wagner

Hurtful or not… It’s worth it.